This morning the fall candle is lit, the coffee steamy (haven’t made a good cup like this in a long time, not sure what I did different-ha), the maple yogurt with pumpkin granola (made by a sweet friend) was divine, the children are still in bed and my husband and I came before the throne with our praises and our needs. The quiet was a gift!
And yet my mind is cluttered, I sit with piles of summer/winter clothes in my sun room waiting for good homes. The school room and the toy room have remnants of yesterday’s play. The dishes (thank goodness their clean) from last night all still need put away. The laundry needs started, I have dead flowers sitting in vases that need taken out (days ago), the yogurt needs made (the milk will go bad if I wait one more day), Camden’s basketball form needs run up the street (TODAY because our Upwards fills up that quickly, today is opening day for registration), the rose garden project that I have been attempting to re-do is no farther advanced then it was 6 months ago, the kids need loved on, school needs to happen (side bar, I had no idea it would be so hard to home school). You get it, the list is long. I am sure your list is long too……..
So how do I do life well in the midst of this? How do I love well when life is pressing in? How do I connect with Jesus when there is no time to just sit for hours (like I used to do when I was single) before his face?
My wise mentor, Martha spoke these words as I bore my soul to her this summer! Today I am re-reading her words and taking them to heart.
She said, “Dawn, the seed (my ideals of a clean house, the longing for uninterrupted time with the Lord, the notion that the list will get done today, my own agenda) must die so that it can bring forth fruit (happy children, a joyful momma when the list isn’t completed-practicing joy even when I don’t feel it, children who are read to, children who have been shown Jesus in every day living).” She said that all the time I had before children was a good planting but now the ‘Authentic Test of my Faith’ is being applied. And that He, Jesus is more pleased with me living out of my sacrifice and service to my husband and my children then a perfectly peaceful heart because things went as I had hoped. She said, “What if this is what HE wants more from you right now/the serving more then the long quiet time with Him?” These were the words I needed to hear. So often I get lost in what I perceive is holy and I sacrifice that for what is really the best…..giving of myself completely to my husband and children. This she tells me is ‘Authentic Faith’.
She continues to speak truth to me. She tells me to hold my hands open, lifted up in worship, in sacrifice to Him. Somehow in the lifting up of my hands, I let something in my heart go, that frees me. When I place in one hand all that Jesus is, He’s the perfect planner, the perfect organizer, the perfect civilizer of any domain, the perfect parent and the list goes on, you get it. And I hold in the other hand me, myself and all the things that I deem inadequate about myself but when I bring both of my hands together and lift them (literally) in worship. I find surrender. I find tears. I find release. I am offering my sacrifice. He receives me just like I am. These days I am doing this a lot!! The seed is dying and it’s painful but I am trusting HIM to bring forth fruit! He is able to sustain me because He has all the resources!! I am not talking here about easy answers or cliche. I am talking here about my ‘hard’ about your ‘hard’. Placing them in the hand of myself but naming all the things He is in the other and offering it, really offering it!
What is HE speaking to you in the messes of your days? I would love to hear about it! Just remember, don’t wear the names your giving yourself (i.e. inadequate, failure, most impatient momma on the planet, not-enough) run to HIM about the names you should be wearing. They will make all the differnce in how you live your life.
Sweet PEACE my friend!